IF YOU DIDN'T LAUGH, YOU'D CRY

If I am given a pile of magazines I very quickly read everything I want to
know about and then become bored. Give me a pencil and paper on the other
hand and I can amuse myself for hours.

THE 'INSIDER'S' WORD WORKOUT

In order to amuse yourself whilst you are in custody, see how many words of
four or more letters you can make from the word CONSTABULARY. I found 334.
If you add the area before the word - for example NORTHERN as in my case -
you can find many more, especially if the word has an 'e' in it. As they
probably won't let you have a dictionary or a Spellmaster, you will have to
check your words later. Rude words are definately out - but you can amuse
yourself as you find words like 'layabout', 'slut', 'runt' and 'slob' and
imagine who they would apply to - most female social workers I should
think!!! Anyway there's four to start you off.

JUST HANG ABOUT FOR A MINUTE!!

When you are left in a cell for hours without anything to amuse yourself,
you can see humour in the most unexpected things. They say they take things
away from you so that you won't do any harm to yourself. They will take a
bra from a female prisoner for instance. My son got to know the guys from
Reliance very well when they ferried him to and from Inverness earlier in
the year, and on the Monday morning one of these guys, Malcolm, opened the
flap on the cell door and said "Good morning Mrs. Danby". I smiled and said
good morning back. He told me he would be taking us to court later. I
replied "I shall need my moral support before I go. It's lying on the floor
out there". He said he knew all about that, and about an hour later he
passed my bra to me and disappeared whilst I put it on. When he came back I
said I didn't know why they had taken it from me. He repeated that it was
because I may do myself some harm with it. My reply was "Malcolm, I have
never been flat chested, but oh the joy of having a bra big enough to hang
myself in". The poor man didn't know where to put his face!!!! I wonder
whether they would take a thong from a guy so he couldn't hang himself with
it? Now that WOULD be an interesting sight!!!

THE SWEET(?) SMELL OF SUCCESS?

Neither my son nor myself were offered a shower, or even a wash, over the
weekend, and we neither of us had a change of clothes. By Monday morning we
both smelled a little rank. I had been complaining to Malcolm that I hadn't
been able to have a wash. When we got into the police van to go to court,
it was chucking it down outside, and there was water dripping in through the
roof of the van. I commented with an evil smirk "There's a drip in here!"
and Malcolm said "Well you were complaining you hadn't had a shower. Now
you are getting a cold one".

A VERY HARASSED SHERIFF

When we got into court, I had hoped our usual sheriff would be in Shetland
that week and we would have a different one, but it was not to be, and as
he came into the court I uttered a very audible "Oh no!" When we pled not
guilty, he put us on bail, and added a special condition that we must not
try to contact my granddaughter. He asked if we accepted this condition,
and it was almost a plea! I think he is a little fed up with seeing us in
Court!!